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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

GBE 2- Midnight

It's coming on midnight and here I am again, unable to sleep, wishing all the words filling my mind could be emptied here on the page leaving me void so rest would come and dreams could close in to fill the space.  Then again, my dreams of late have been connected to my missing cat, Esme, and during most of them I am sending her pictures of our house and urging her with all my love and energy to return to us.  In some of them, I hold her and pat her and tell her she is loved and missed so desperately.  I see that she is healthy and happy and fending well for herself.  She rubs against me and twines around my legs, thrilled to be near me.  I worry for her safety out there against predators that are more knowledgeable, faster, hungrier, with bigger weapons for attacking.

One night last week my dreams showed her with our cat, Lefty, who we put down a month ago.  She was rubbing against him, and he looked right at me.  Did that mean she was with him?  Or did it mean that he was looking out for her as he did when she was young, from wherever he is now?  His energy was strong and sure and she trusts him so.  With him gone now, I don't know that we will ever see her again.  I'm still grieving for our Lefty and not sure whether my grief over Esme is premature.  I try so hard to hold on to hope. 

People have told me stories of how their cat was gone for days, weeks, months, and showed up one day as if it had never been gone.  My daughter's cat, missing recently as well, came back a few weeks later, down a few pounds and with a fever, but happily home. 

When is it time to say I've done all that I can?  How long can I obsess on every message in a dream?  Or stop constantly checking the answering machine hoping that someone found her? When will my eyes stop searching the ground cover as I drive anywhere?  How do I move forward and let go at the same time?

It's already a brand new day and I am here, waiting still.  If you can feel me, Esme girl, come home. 

11 comments:

  1. I hope she comes back to you soon--the aching pain of not knowing is just so hard. {{{hugs}}}

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  2. Oh I am so sorry your Esme is missing. I hope she finds her way home soon. I love that you dream like this of her!! Keep sending her your love, if she can she'll find her way back home :)

    I had a cat that kept disappearing once. Each time I had found him dead...each time he came back so I had to have been mistaken. He had unusual markings so easy to identify--yet he was fixed young so no offspring, so how did I mistake him so many times?? Anyway...the last time he snuck out, he did not come back..and I just knew he wasn't coming back, but I did not find him that time either. I miss him to this day...

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  3. Aww, hope she comes back to you. I had a cat who went missing so I know just how you feel.

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  4. Oh, I really hope she comes home soon! If not, just pray she's being spoiled rotten by a kind person. I've been through this. My outcome was not so good. I never saw Tiger again. We lived out in the country and I know there were predators, but I couldn't keep her in the house, because my son became badly allergic to cats. Anyway, I can still hope she is snug as a bug in someone's home somewhere. Take care!

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  5. This must be heartbreaking for you. I love my dogs and would be a mess if one of them disappeared. I knew a lady whose cat disappeared and showed up two YEARS later. Cat's are weird creatures.

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  6. Praying for your esme to return safe and sound to your family. My friends cat returned 6 months after she disappeared and she had 2 little ones in tow. So she thought she lost one but gained 2 more. please keep us posted

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  7. I hope your Esme comes back to you soon. How horribly heartbreaking!!

    Kathy
    http://www.thetruckerswife.com/

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  8. oh no..this makes me cry..hope she comes back SOON!!!!!!!

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  9. My Dad had a cat missing for 3 years. He showed up again shortly before my Dad died. I am so glad he had that happiness before he died.

    I am missing a cat since 4/1/09. I keep hoping!!! I hope your cat comes home soon.

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  10. Lost my cat for a year. He turned up living a few doors down the road with an old lady *Sigh* Cats will be cats, coming and going as pleases them and worries the heck out of us! I hope Esme comes home today. *hugs*

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  11. It's been more than a year since Esme went missing. A few weeks ago, I met with an animal communicator who saw her picture and told me that she wanted me to know that she crossed. Thought I would update everyone.

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