I have been out of the loop for weeks now as life has been in fast forward. Edging my way back in this week with something I wrote years ago about my daughter. There have only been one or two other things that I have ever written that flowed out of me the way this did - with deep emotion.
On another night when I couldn't sleep years ago, I wrote about my grief and loss and pain with no expectation that the feeling would ever go away. It has now, but that night it was alive and thundering through me. Grief ebbs and flows at its own pace, with its own will. It taught me to not give up hope.
For Bridget -
I am grieving, i am grieving..
for the sunlight on your hair and sweet butterfly kisses that you sprinkled on my face
another time, another place...
as you skipped and danced and sang your little girl songs
of happiness and unicorns.
and oh, i had you then, your hand in mine, smiles and rainbows,
and dreams of little ponies you would ride.
but time went by, and you grew on, and didn't sing so many songs
until you found your feet again.
that October day when I drove away in the moving van, with you left behind,
......your choice, your choice....but did you feel abandoned and alone?
I wasn't home but gone away..
did i lose you then? was that the time?
that cold January night with you at work, your life fractured when one broken friend would never come home again.
couldn't put the pieces back together and...
did i lose you then?
or was it some far away and long ago that i don't know when you lost your way?
but i am here where i've always been, and no matter what they say, you can come home again.
you are my child, my child.
and tomorrow will bring a reckoning that had to come, and i am sad and aching with the hurt it's done
and i am grieving, i am grieving...
because you are my child, my child.